OFF WITH THEIR HEADS

13-07-2007

Moonlighting from his day job as a London cabbie, Pete Millington delivers the definitive verdict of Her Majesty's right royal wobbler.

Those ruddy untrustworthy, licence-fee squandering oiks otherwise known as the BBC have been up to their old tricks again I see.

But this time it’s not small children they are upsetting by conjuring up phoney competition winners and switching dead puppies for new ones on the nation’s favourite long-running show about things to do with sticky-backed plastic.

Oh! Deary me no!

This time they’ve really gone and put Aunty’s slipper in the proverbial, oh yes, haven’t they just!!

Never mind an apology on prime time television, they’ll be lucky to escape a long-stretch amongst the ravens and the beefeaters for this little caper, by golly.

Within hours of stirring up yet more anti-royal tittle-tattle amongst the nation’s hacks and rumour mongers, claiming that ‘Er Madge had been filmed throwing one’s toys out of the royal perambulator, the sharp-witted private press secretaries at Buck Palais had exposed the whole BBC plot as a despicable sham and a contemptible fraud.

A sequence of cynically edited film clips was released by BBC dunces only yesterday morning, showing our esteemed and eternally patient monarch getting all uncharacteristically cross with some arty- farty celebrity snapper named Leibowitz who had the audacity to ask ‘Er Madge to remove the old titfer.

The ‘spat about the hat’ was immediately followed by shots of Big Liz storming through the corridors of Buck Palais, having a right old Darby and Joan as she shifted the royal Khyber Pass rapidly towards a very large Vera Lynn and a nice lickle draw o’ Bob Hope to steady the old temper tantrums… her loyal man-servant scurrying along in her wake, fists frantically clutching the hem of the Baked Bean’s stately dressing-gown.

The implication being, that our dignified monarch had completely lost the plot and was providing a performance worthy of Henry VIII on the morning he opened his email from the Vatican or the Queen Mom on the afternoon she lost a Bobby Moore on the 2.15 at Newmarket.

The dodgy film footage is apparently meant to be a promotional trailer to plug a new BBC documentary called A Year With The Queen.

Yes, in terms of excitement levels, right up there with other great BBC ideas such as the recently aired and innovative part-computer generated palaeontology series Walking With Molluscs or Sir David Attenborough’s latest but unusually low budget series, Life In My Discarded Thermal Hiking Socks.

However, immeasurably stupid BBC head honchos are in deep deep corgi turd as they have now been forced to admit that the film footage of the Baked Bean loosing her rag and having a wobbler up the Palace corridor was totally engineered.

A Palace press officer said last night.

“The film footage which purports to show Her Majesty the Queen storming out of a photographic portrait-sitting in an ill-tempered and unbefitting rage of fitful grumpiness is completely unfair and bears no resemblance to the reality of this episode”.

He went on:

“In fact, Her Majesty had a vicious strop on her before she even entered the room, to be further insulted by the uncouth peasant-woman with the zoom lens. The earlier clip they spliced in actually doesn’t do her justice …she was one spitting bad-ass mother when she emerged from that throne room let me tell you but the cameras had stopped rolling by then” .

Bloody BBC nancy boys… they couldn’t pull off a half decent scam to save their own granny!

Do they really believe we didn’t know that it wasn’t the real Petra for all those years?