So Here It Is Merry Christmas…

12-12-2006

So, just 13 shopping days until, um, er, you know, thingummybob, and Pete Millington is getting into the festive spirit.

Flipping Nora… it's here again!

It doesn't seem like six months have passed since I finally climbed up into the loft to stow away the decorations from last year, thus clearing some floor space in the bedroom…

…and finding that ever so useful Feng Shui book I lost on boxing day in the process

Well, now I come to think about it, it was actually only four and a bit months ago that I went up there, that's about how long it takes in our house to get clear of the last remnants of the festive season

Not quite sure about the twelfth flaming night, round our place the three wise persons don't arrive until after we get back from Majorca late August

God help the people who have to take down all the twenty thousand flashing lights and giant fluorescent reindeer from the outside of their homes every January

It's no wonder they start putting them up the day after bonfire night, after all that effort you would want to enjoy the benefits of your very own version of Blackpool illuminations for as long as possible wouldn't you?

But to be honest, I just couldn't be dealing with all that. I'm not a bah humbug type by any stretch of the imagination, I'm just not the practical type that's all

It takes me five years to change the fuse in something really useful like a kettle - wiring my Xmas lights up to the national grid for two months would be completely out of my comfort zone

But I'm not against those of you out there who are able to remember which wire is neutral and which is live, etc. without having to consult Handy Andy's guide to common and household electrical jobs every time you cut through the cable on the hedge trimmer

My brother in law Andy for instance, I went round their house earlier this evening and he is the first one in his street to put the flashing lights up around the outside of his house

It's blummin' marvellous, tubes of trailers, blinking Santas, glowing holly, the works. I have to say the normal light bulbs inside the house do seem somewhat dimmer than usual, but you know… it makes them feel warm and happy so what the hell?

I have noticed this year though that people seem a little bit later in getting the grottos up. Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that we're actually quite close to the big day now and the streets seem somehow darker than they did this time last year?

Is this a sign of the times?

I was recently reading a magazine published by Birmingham's Housing Department and distributed to council residents

There's a very interesting article in the winter edition which issues a note of good advice to Birmingham citizens about budgeting their spending well in the run up to the big day…

The editorial runs “don't forget to save some money to pay your rent in January”

Now far be it for me to make light of the issue of debt, in fact I'm not going to, but there's just a slightly cynical side of me thinking now why should the council be mainly concerned about people paying their rent? You know the old saying “well they would say that wouldn't they?”

A bit like a butcher saying, “don't forget to keep a bit aside for that nice leg of mutton for the New Year” or the coalman saying “always budget for an extra bag of the black stuff, you never know it could get a bit parky come February”

But in fairness to the Council, Christmas is one of those times when most of us seem to put aside all common sense and fall into an epitome of that old Oscar Wilde cliché, knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing

We've done it ourselves again this year, after promising ourselves for months that we wouldn't, we said we'd just buy them (the gang of three) one big useful present each….

We're walking past the gaming shop at One Stop last week, happen to wander in just to check out the latest games for PS2 and proceed to get stitched up for every manager's special offer going, in fact I had to make a special journey back to the car to off-load the arm-fulls of PS2 games into the boot before we could even proceed to Home Bargains

Rational sensible human beings who normally have a good general idea of how low the overdraft is creeping… suddenly turn into retail maniacs… “Do we want PS2 games young man? Two sensible looking people in their 40s? You ask us do we want to buy PS2 games? Yes please matey boy, clear that whole shelf into my shopper now young fellow my lad before we thrash you within inches of your joystick”

Christmas what joys! And still they argue about the whys and wherefores! Was Christ actually born on December 25th? No we all know he was born in April and some even say he was born after nought AD… figure that one out…he was born after Christ for God's sake!

Did someone mention God? Are we allowed to mention God these days when referring to Winterval season? I'm loosing track, every time you open your gob to sing halelujiah you've upset some middle class white bloke from the local authority…

Meanwhile Home Bargains seemed to be full of every religious persuasion under the sun, the moon and the stars frantically snapping up the festive not-to-be missed deals.

It's funny that isn't it? Whenever you get some PC flaming pronouncement from on high, like the local charity shop chain banning images of Bethlehem from their front window displays because it might offend someone who hates images of Bethlehem, the tv cameras always seem to cut from the fat-cat do-gooding middle class white bloke in his office down in London to that wonderfully humble looking south east Asian bloke carrying his Christmas Tree along Bearwood High Street on Christmas Eve who replies in a broad Smethwick accent…

“nah mate, don't bother me, we always celebrate it in our house innit?”

To which sixty million fellow Britain's scream at their television sets

“Why don't they ever ask the real people what they're offended or not offended by? Fair play to the Asian bloke! Why doesn't the plonker in London actually ask him what he really thinks?”

You gotta laugh…

My seven year old son finally came of age this year and has started whispering the rumour that Santa doesn't actually exist (he whispers it because he's mature and sensitive enough to appreciate that his younger sister is still a believer)

It's a poignant moment when you realise their innocent little minds are no longer willing to accept the fairy tales, they have passed over the line

Funny how so many of us adults have never quite been able to make that same leap when it comes to religion and politics

Anyway, I hope you'll join me in a yuletide toast to the mid winter season soon to be upon us. Don't forget to pay your rent in January but by the same token, enjoy yourself and don't be afraid to be emotional this Winterval bank holiday weekend…

Because that's the real meaning of Christmas… as human beings we need these weird customs as the excuse to get all silly and emotional… Blartmas… that's what I call it…

But most of all, don't allow your children to vegetate in front of the PS2, kick ‘em outside so you get to have a few hours on it… they reckon Sim Pets is good this year, the wrestling's good if you don't mind a bit of swearing… or so the lad at One Stop promised us.

But then again, he would say that wouldn't he?

In the words of Noddy Holder…. “Iiiiiiiiiiit's ChriiiiiiistMAS!!”